Steven, as long as one person holds the departed person's memory in their heart, that member will stay alive. My Mom died several years back and it was the darkest day I had ever experienced. Nearly 10 years ago, my wife of 35 years succumbed to Cancer. Yes, I blamed God for all the aches and pains that she went through and the terrible pain I was feeling. I used many words hurled towards the one who really understood what I was going through and He understood and forgave me instantly.
No, I do not have any real idea of your pain and grief. That is your personal thing and only you may embrace it. Just remember your Mum and listen to her. She will help you through these tough times. With love, our prayers are there for you. May God carry you through these trying times. God bless you, Steven.
Charles