Great pen, photo is clean, clear and focused, but I agree, a little too dark. The problem with black is that it tends to reflect off of the very edges of the round silver components, making them effectively disappear. It takes very little of the metal being invisible to make the barrel look underturned. More light might help, might just blow out the contrast on the details. I don't know what black shiny background you are using, but you might try the diamond dealers trick and use a piece of thick black velvet. The black color is still neutral, but the texture seems to make edges and reflections more visible for some reason. Just a thought.
As for your diction and enunciation, I must agree, you have been in Oklahoma too long, cause you sure didn't learn that at the kosher deli down on the corner in queens.