What this site needs are Dad jokes

[jcm71]

I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for next Tuesday.

 

[jcm71]

And another. I got an email the other day explaining how to read maps backwards. It was spam.

 

[KMCloonan]

I'll play...

My girlfriend keeps accusing me of cheating. She's starting to sound like my wife

 

[KMCloonan]

When does a joke become a "dad joke?" When it becomes apparent

 

[thewishman]

What's blue and not very heavy?

Light blue.

 

[d_bondi]

What is brown and sticky?

A stick!

 

[hewunch]

What's brown, smelly, and sounds like a bell?

dung

 

[walshjp17]

If more than one mouse is mice and more than on louse is lice then more than on spouse must be spice.

 

[hewunch]

I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for next Tuesday.

Well, for some of us, it will be our last chance at a smoking hot body.

I told my wife to put popcorn kernels in my pockets before they cremate me. Should be a blast.

 

[Brandy]

A recent exchange with my dad….

 

[Alan Morrison]

My brother's new girlfriend identifies as a wheelie bin.
He can't remember if he takes her out on Tuesday or Wednesday!


I am a comedian.
My preferred pronouns are He He.

 

[Ray-CA]

Our son had been a father for about 6-months when he called with this one. If you're having natural childbirth at at home, and there's a problem with the delivery, is that a mid-wife crisis?

I told him that he hadn't been a dad long enough for that joke.

 

[Monty]

Where do dads keep their dad jokes?


And their dada file

 

[hooked]

I started telling everyone about the benefits of eating dried grapes.

.......

I'm just raisin awareness.

 

[howsitwork]

My wife says I have two fault

I never listen to her … and something else…

 

[howsitwork]

Always treat your wife like you did on your first date !

So tomorrow , after dinner , I'm taking her straight back to my mother-in-laws

 

[Woodchipper]

Five years ago, I took my wife to Las Vegas for our anniversary. I'm thinking about going back and getting her.

 

[Ray-CA]

I got a new pet for Christmas. A small termite whose first name is Clint. His last name is Eatswood.

 

[jcm71]

My college roommate was kidnapped by a gang of mimes. They did unspeakable things to him.

 

[KMCloonan]

What happened when the red ship crashed into the blue ship?

They were marooned.

 

[KMCloonan]

What's blue and not very heavy?

Light blue.

A variant my daughter taught me:

What's Red and smells like blue paint?

Red Paint.

 

[howsitwork]

7 out of 5 men can't do fractions !

 

[KMCloonan]

There are three kinds of people in this world. Those that are good with math, and those that are not.

Thank you, Thank you. I'm here 'till Thursday. Don't forget to tip your waitress...

 

[Ray-CA]

There are three kinds of people in this world. Those that are good with math, and those that are not.

Thank you, Thank you. I'm here 'till Thursday. Don't forget to tip your waitress...

That's like this one. 5 out of 3 people are bad with fractions.

 

[Todd in PA]

There are three kinds of people in this world. Those who can count, and those that can't .

With a small edit, I tell this same joke regularly at my poker game.

Love all the jokes, guys!

 

[TonyL]

How many Teamsters does it take to screw in a light bulb? 10! You gotta pobelm with daht?

 

[TonyL]

Proctologist goes to the bank to deposit a check. The teller notices that he is trying to endorse it with a thermometer. The teller says to the doctor, "doctor you can't sign a check with a thermometer. The doctor says, "oh crap some a-hole has my pen!"

 

[TonyL]

My wife is such a bad cook. Last summer the flies chipped-in to fix the screen door.

 

[d_bondi]

Never question your wife's choices... You're one of them!

 

[Old Goat]

Chuck Norris once fought with his wife ... and won!

 

[howsitwork]

How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb ?

Only one , but the light bulb has to really , really want to change

 

[howsitwork]

Whilst taking it out of the garage yesterday I told my son, this is my step ladder , I never knew my real ladder…. It got a briefly sympathetic look . Best I can hope for these days

 

[WriteON]

I got a pool table for my wife..............best trade I ever made

 

[Jans husband]

Not a Dad Joke, but funny. A T shirt present from my daughter and son in law
Mike

 

[Kenny Durrant]

My wife would be a much better cook if she wouldn't use the smoke alarm for a timer.

 

[TellicoTurning]

My wife would be a much better cook if she wouldn't use the smoke alarm for a timer.

I'm such a good cook, my smoke alarm cheers me on.

 

[goldendj]

There are two types of people. Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data.

 

[egnald]

Whilst taking it out of the garage yesterday I told my son, this is my step ladder , I never knew my real ladder…. It got a briefly sympathetic look . Best I can hope for these days

Ok - that made me laugh out loud. - Dave