What ? . No Forum For Jokes ?

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What is red and white on the outside, and gray and white on the inside?
Campbells cream of elephant soup.

What did the leopard say after eating his owner?
Man, that hit the spot.
 
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OK, so I am a minister and have a mild form of dyslexia. So here goes:

An oldie from long ago:
Did you hear about the dyslexic agnostic insomniac? He stayed awake at night wondering if there was a dog!
 
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Stephen Wright:
Some people are afraid of heights, I'm afraid of widths.

"I went to a place to eat. It said 'breakfast at any time.' So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance."

How do you tell when you're pen is out of invisible ink?

I went to the hardware store and bought some used paint. It was in the shape
of a house. I also bought some batteries, but they weren't included.

Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time.

Last one below
 
randyrls said:
Stephen Wright:
Some people are afraid of heights, I'm afraid of widths.

"I went to a place to eat. It said 'breakfast at any time.' So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance."

How do you tell when you're pen is out of invisible ink?

I went to the hardware store and bought some used paint. It was in the shape
of a house. I also bought some batteries, but they weren't included.

Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time.

Last one below
Click to expand...

Classic!
Someone broke into my apartment and stole everything and replaced it with exact duplicates.. Stephen Wright.
 
A boy was attending his first wedding. After the service, his cousin asked him, "How many women can a man marry?"
"Sixteen," the boy responded.
"How do you know that?"
"Easy. All you have to do is add it up, like the preacher said: 4 better, 4 worse, 4 richer, 4 poorer."

This came out of the March 2019 American Legion magazine.
 
This is a long one so stick with me.

It's there 30th wedding anniversary and Mary wakes up a 4:30 and realizes her husband isn't in bed. Fearing the worst she searches the house to no avail. Finally she finds him on the back porch, sitting, in the dark. She asked him what's wrong, are you okay.
He responds, I was just remembering that day 30 years ago today. I was 18 and you were 17. We just found out you were pregnant and decided to tell your parents. Your Dad dragged me in front of his brother the Judge. My choices were to marry you on the spot or go to jail for statutory rape.


I'd a got out today!


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A funeral precession was going down the street. A guy walking down the street noticed an old man with his hat off, over his heart and then put it back on after the precession went by. He caught up with the old man and said, "that was pretty respectful of you as that precession went by". The old man replied "it was the least I could do, was married to her for 40 years. "
 
Name the following:
A man with no arms or legs in a lake?

Bob

A man with no arms or legs on the porch?

Matt

A man with no arms or legs hanging on a wall?

Art

A girl with no arms or legs on the beach?

Sandy

A girl with one leg shorter than the other?

ILENE

Same girl in Japan

IRENE

And finally! What do you call a dog with no legs in a swimming pool?


Bob Barker.


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You forgot a few more bad ones.

Man with no arms and legs under a pile of leaves?

Russel.

Man with no arms and legs tumbling downhill?

Rollie.

Man with no arms and legs with a cut?

Nick.

Man with no arms and legs on a pile of money?

Rich.
 
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