When you feel stupid - read this!

Signed-In Members Don't See This Ad
OKLAHOMAN

OKLAHOMAN

Member
Joined
May 17, 2006
Messages
10,228
Location
Costa Rica

If you ever feel a little bit stupid, just dig this up and read it
again; you'll begin to think you're a genius..

(On September 17, 1994, Alabama's Heather Whitestone was selected as Miss
America 1995.)
Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?
Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever,
because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but
we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever,"
Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest.

"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all
those flies and death and stuff."
Mariah Carey

"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your
life,"
Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for federal
anti-smoking campaign

"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body,"
Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.

"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in
the country,"
Mayor Marion Barry, Washington , DC .

"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and
I'm just the one to do it,"
A congressional candidate in Texas .

"Half this game is ninety percent mental."
Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark

"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in
our air and water that are doing it.."
Al Gore, Vice President

"I love California . I practically grew up in Phoenix ."
Dan Quayle

"We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?"
Lee Iacocca
"The word "genius" isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like
Norman Einstein."
Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst.
"We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of
people."
Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor.


"Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received
notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is
a change in your circumstances."
Department of Social Services, Greenville , South Carolina

"Traditionally, most of Australia 's imports come from overseas."
Keppel Enderbery

"If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they
go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next
morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record."
Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman
 
Signed-In Members Don't See This Ad
If they can put governors and restrictor plates on engines, why can't they put muzzles on stupid people? And an idea I was kicking around...how about labeling stupid drivers with different colored license plates and only letting them drive in certain lanes?? Perhaps hooking up perpetual idiots to 220 and shocking them in to silence is the answer?? Instead of electing or idolizing them??..OK..Rant officially over.. thanks Roy:wink:
 
Ambidex said:
If they can put governors and restrictor plates on engines, why can't they put muzzles on stupid people? And an idea I was kicking around...how about labeling stupid drivers with different colored license plates and only letting them drive in certain lanes?? Perhaps hooking up perpetual idiots to 220 and shocking them in to silence is the answer?? Instead of electing or idolizing them??..OK..Rant officially over.. thanks Roy:wink:
Click to expand...
I think all cars should be equipped with front-facing paintball cannons.

when you come up behind a car and see it covered with paint spots - you know to keep your distance.
 
A comedian once said all cars should be armed with the old spring loaded dart gun. The ones that shoots the darts with the rubber suction cups. When someone did something stupid shoot the car with a dart. When a police officer sees a car with 3 darts he pulls them over and gives them a ticket. If the car has too many darts they take them to jail before they hurt someone or themselves . I also had a conversation with my wife about stupid people and she said that's just life. Trying not to sound too cold hearted I suggested that if we removed all the warning labels and stupid people would weed themselves out therefore making the human race smarter. The only problem with that is I to do my share of stupid things and I don't know how long I would last.
 
Last edited:
Kenny Durrant said:
A comedian once said all cars should be armed with the old spring loaded dart gun. The ones that shoots the darts with the rubber suction cups. When someone did something stupid shoot the car with a dart. When a police officer sees a car with 3 darts he pulls them over and gives them a ticket. If the car has too many darts they take them to jail before they hurt someone or themselves . I also had a conversation with my wife about stupid people and she said that's just life. Trying not to sound too cold hearted I suggested that if we removed all the warning labels and stupid people would weed themselves out therefore making the human race smarter. The only problem with that is I to do my share of stupid things and I don't know how long I would last.
Click to expand...

Ha! I remember that. Who was it? Carlin? Gallagher?
 
More...

1. *WILL THE REAL DUMMY PLEASE STAND UP???*

AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked intellectual leadership. He received a $26 million severance package.
Perhaps it's not Walter who's lacking intelligence.


2. *WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM OUR FRIENDS:*

Police in Oakland, CA spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them in the police line, shouting, 'Please come out and give yourself up.'


3. *WHAT WAS PLAN B???*

An Illinois man, pretending to have a gun, kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines, wherein the kidnapper proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank accounts.


4. *THE GETAWAY!!!*

A man walked into a Topeka, Kansas Kwik Stop and asked for all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small, so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours until police showed up and grabbed him.


5. *DID I SAY THAT???*

Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn't control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words: 'Give me all your money or I'll shoot', the man shouted, "That's not what I said!"


6. *ARE WE COMMUNICATING???*

A man spoke frantically into the phone: 'My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart'. 'Is this her first child?' the doctor asked. 'No!' the man shouted, 'This is her husband!'


7. *NOT THE SHARPEST TOOL IN THE SHED!!!*

In Modesto ,CA, Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun. Unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in his pocket. (hellooooooo)!


8. *THE GRAND FINALE!!!*

Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert, an hour east of Bakersfield, CA, some folks, new to boating, were having a problem. No matter how hard they tried, they couldn't get their brand new 22 foot boat, going.
It was very sluggish in almost every maneuver, no matter how much power they applied. After about an hour of trying to make it go, they putted into a nearby marina, thinking someone there may be able to tell them what was wrong.
A thorough topside check revealed everything in perfect working condition. The engine ran fine, the out-drive went up and down, and the propeller was the correct size and pitch. So, one of the marina guys jumped in the water to check underneath. He came up choking on water, he was laughing so hard.

*Now remember these are all true stories*


Under the boat, still strapped securely in place, was the trailer!







--
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top Bottom