Humor: Great Oil Change Instructions

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Fred

Fred

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Joined
Feb 18, 2007
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N.E. Atlanta, Georgia U.S.A.
Oil Change instructions for Women:

1. Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3,000 miles since the last oil change.
2. Drink a cup of coffee.
3. 15 minutes later, scan debit card and leave, driving a properly maintained vehicle.

Money spent:
Oil Change: $30..00
Coffee: $1.00
TOTAL: $31.00

Oil Change instructions for Men:

1. Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree,and use your debit card for $50.00.
2. Stop by Beer Store and buy a case of beer, (debit $24), drive home.
3. Open a beer and drink it.
4. Jack truck up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
5. Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
6. In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
7. Place drain pan under engine.
8. Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
9. Give up and use crescent wrench.
10. Unscrew drain plug.
11. Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on you in process. Cuss.
12. Crawl out from under truck to wipe hot oil off of face and arms. Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.
13. Have another beer while watching oil drain.
14. Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.
15. Give up; crawl under truck and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter and twist off.
16. Crawl out from under truck with dripping oil filter splashing oil everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in trash can to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer.
17. Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface.
18. Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
19. Remember drain plug from step 11.
20. Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
21. Drink beer.
22. Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw kitty litter on oil spill.
23. Get drain plug back in with only a minor spill. Drink another cold beer.
24. Crawl under truck getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with oily rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame removing any excess skin between knuckles and frame.
25. Begin cussing fit.
26. Throw stupid crescent wrench.
27. Cuss for additional 5 minutes because wrench hit truck and left dent.
28. Time for a cold beer.
29. Clean up hands and bandage as required to stop blood flow.
30. Yep, cold beer time again.
31. Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.
32. Maybe one more cold beer.
33. Lower truck from jack stands.
34. Move truck back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during any missed steps.
35. Drink last cold beer.
36. Test drive truck..
37. Get pulled over and arrested for driving under the influence.
38. Truck gets impounded.
39. Call loving wife, make bail.
40. 12 hours later, get truck from impound yard.

Money spent:
Parts: $50.00
DUI: $2,500.00
Impound fee: $75.00
Bail: $1,500.00
Beer: $20.00
TOTAL: $4,145.00
Riducle from wife ... NEVER ENDING!

But you know the job was done right!
 
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Pretty good, but you forgot Jiffy Lube's charge to change the air filter that's brand new:eek:.
 
Until two days ago, I hadn't changed my own oil in decades. Logically, it seemed so much more convenient to have someone else do it. Problem is, I'm always rushing to and fro, so I never have time to go to Jiffy Luve, resulting my frequently getting it changed way past when it was due. Also, it seems that the oil change places keep getting more and more expensive. The nail in the coffin, however, was when they overfilled my play car's oil and didn't notice.

So the other day, I picked up my oil and filter from WalMart and went home. I rooted around the garage until I found the oil drain pan that I bought years ago for a tranny filter change. To my luck, it slid right under the Jeep with tons of room to reach under and undue the bolt. The filter was changed from above with no muss or fuss.

The entire procedure took probably 5 minutes. Something tells me doing it to my Allante or Cathy's Smart will not be as simple.
 
Had to change the oil in LOML's Expedition, did the women thing went local quick oil change place. It is a former Jiffy Lube building that a imigrant took over. The do a good job and at a reasonable price. Nice not have to deal with CA's rulex on oil changing. Bought new tires for the big Green Beast yesterday. Went to Costco, bought Michelin's, good service, good price plus the warranty and free rotation and balancing every 6K miles. There is also a Michelin thing for free towing and changing tire. Wheels now have green valve stem cap as tire are filled with Nitrogen. Just like NASCAR and Indy. Now we are ready for trip to Idaho next week LL and Softball playoff and the Twins Birthday. Fly out Saturday Night for Indy, fly back to Boise on Sunday night and leave for home on Tuesday. High School buddy lives 6 blocks from track. Wish I could go soon but the Grandkids come first. Hope it doesn't rain.
 
EBorraga said:
Pretty good, but you forgot Jiffy Lube's charge to change the filter that's brand new:eek:.
Click to expand...

Take your own Fram Air Filter with you. Ask them to change to your filter while they are inspecting the old one.....they LOVE that.
But. I don't care. They wanted to charge me $15 to " change" the K&N air box on my Mustang Cobra. Sieheib swears they changed the "filter". I changed where the "jewel" in his towel wrap was located.
 
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Last time I went to a jiffy lube (a few years ago) I checked the bill before I signed it. Look closely $351.00 not $35.10. Pointed this out and got the oh sh.. I've been caught look. Took him 1/2 hr to fix it. Last time I went to Jiffy lube. I go to the dealer now. Cost me a couple bucks more but don't have to worry quite as much about being robbed.

Moral check those charge card receipts closely before signing.
 
I'm 68 yrs young and still lay on my back in gravel and change my own oil. I have over 275,000 miles on my silverado, never had the heads or pan off it. I use the high priced synthetic oil, I believe in it. I can see the name on the bottle, I can't see the name on their "hose from the ceiling" 29 Yrs in Law Enforcement has taught me that you don't always know who to trust. BTW did I mention it was a Silverado, that's like in Chebby!!! S-i-l-v-e-r-a-d-o:biggrin::biggrin::biggrin::biggrin::biggrin::biggrin::biggrin::biggrin::biggrin::biggrin:
 
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Air filters by K&N ,oil and filters by Amsoil. Got it in everything from car, motorcycle, lawn mowers, and the ole ultralight which I sold several years ago. :biggrin:
 
My oil change costs $15.00 every 3 months, sometimes sooner. Valvoline 20w50 and a fram oil filter. I would shoot myself if I let anyone change the oil. Takes about 30 minutes, but I also grease every grease fitting underneath.
 
Went to my first in 1953 saw my hero Vuky win was there when he was killed but didn't see it. I have gone probably 25 times over the years. Used to go for the whole month now with the twin Grad kids birthday on May 27th makes it a little difficult. JC Agajainian used to have charter flights from California to Indy. Leave the night before get back in time for the Main Event at local track. I am lucky I get garage entry because of my being a former member of USAC, and being involved with racing all my life, and having friends who still work there. It is still the "old boys club" is some ways. Don't know where I will be sitting as my buddy gets the tickets and every year it's different. Standing in infield by the fence really give you a sense of speed. If you ever get a chance get in the infield of your local track and see how fast the cars really are. Strange this will be the first time sence I retired that I have gone. I went in 2003, left the day after I retired spent the whole month there. Then life got in the way. It isn't the same as back in the day but it is still fun to visit old friends.
 
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I installed Fumoto valves to replace the oil drain plugs in both of my Subaru's. Oil change is much easier because I can slip a piece of neoprene hose on to the valve and drain the oil directly into a gallon milk jug.

Cheers
 
Tom, it's not like it used to be. I spent the whole month up there for several years. My uncle was the crew chief for Billy Boat and Scott Sharp when they drove for AJ Foyt. He know is the crew chief for the Gainsco Daytona Protoype team. I remember when Indy used to open the first Saturday in May, which was the same day as the derby. There also used to be 4 days of qualifying. Now the track is only open for two weeks, with only 2 days of qualifying. Also absolutely no tv coverage to show fast friday, carb day, or the parade. I'll be setting in The Tower Terrace, Stand B. Odds are we won't see each other, but hopefully it'll be a wonderful day.
 
I've been changing my own oil for about ten years after a quick lube ruined the drain plug on one of my vehicles.

Let us just say you should keep an eye out to make sure your mechanic isn't using impact guns to tighten the drain plug back up. Even if they have the torque limiting sticks it is a bad idea.
 
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