My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, 'What's on TV?'
I said, 'Dust.'
And then the fight started...
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming
anniversary. She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 200 in
about 3 seconds.'
I bought her a scale.
And then the fight started...
When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace
expensive... So, I took her to a gas station.
And then the fight started...
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for
Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's
license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left
my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would
have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing
my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof
enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the
Social Security office. She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You
might have gotten disability, too.'
And then the fight started...
My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I
kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a
nearby table.
My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'
'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I
understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years
ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'
'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating
that long?'
And then the fight started...
I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my
order first. "I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?""
Nah, she can order for herself."
And then the fight started...
A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not
happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I
look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'
And then the fight started.....
I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95.
Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95.
I told her the beer would make her look better at
night than the cold cream.
And then the fight started....
My wife asked me if a certain dress made her butt
look big. I told her not as much as the dress she wore yesterday.
And then the fight started....
A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies.
Suddenly, at 3 o'clock in the morning, a loud noise came from outside.
The woman, bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at the man
'Holy crap. That must be my husband!'
So the man jumped out of the bed scared and naked, and jumped out the
window. He smashed into the ground, ran through a thorn bush, and
scrambled to his car as fast as he could go.
A few minutes later he returned and went up to the bedroom and screamed
at the woman, 'I AM your husband!'
The woman yelled back, 'Yeah, then why were you running?'
And then the fight started.....
Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch,
grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage.
I hooked up the boat to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a
torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into
the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would
be bad all day. I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and
slipped back into bed.
I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a differeny anticipation, and
whispered, 'The weather out there is terrible.' My loving wife of 10 years
replied, 'Can you believe
my stupid husband is out fishing in that?'
And then the fight started ...
I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary? "
It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.
"Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said.
So I suggested, "How about the kitchen?"
And then the fight started....
My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were
in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"
"No," she answered.
I then said, "Is that your final answer?"
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying
"Yes."
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And then the fight started....
She asked, 'What's on TV?'
I said, 'Dust.'
And then the fight started...
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming
anniversary. She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 200 in
about 3 seconds.'
I bought her a scale.
And then the fight started...
When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace
expensive... So, I took her to a gas station.
And then the fight started...
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for
Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's
license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left
my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would
have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing
my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof
enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the
Social Security office. She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You
might have gotten disability, too.'
And then the fight started...
My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I
kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a
nearby table.
My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'
'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I
understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years
ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'
'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating
that long?'
And then the fight started...
I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my
order first. "I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?""
Nah, she can order for herself."
And then the fight started...
A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not
happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I
look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'
And then the fight started.....
I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95.
Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95.
I told her the beer would make her look better at
night than the cold cream.
And then the fight started....
My wife asked me if a certain dress made her butt
look big. I told her not as much as the dress she wore yesterday.
And then the fight started....
A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies.
Suddenly, at 3 o'clock in the morning, a loud noise came from outside.
The woman, bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at the man
'Holy crap. That must be my husband!'
So the man jumped out of the bed scared and naked, and jumped out the
window. He smashed into the ground, ran through a thorn bush, and
scrambled to his car as fast as he could go.
A few minutes later he returned and went up to the bedroom and screamed
at the woman, 'I AM your husband!'
The woman yelled back, 'Yeah, then why were you running?'
And then the fight started.....
Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch,
grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage.
I hooked up the boat to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a
torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into
the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would
be bad all day. I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and
slipped back into bed.
I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a differeny anticipation, and
whispered, 'The weather out there is terrible.' My loving wife of 10 years
replied, 'Can you believe
my stupid husband is out fishing in that?'
And then the fight started ...
I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary? "
It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.
"Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said.
So I suggested, "How about the kitchen?"
And then the fight started....
My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were
in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"
"No," she answered.
I then said, "Is that your final answer?"
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying
"Yes."
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And then the fight started....
But resistance is futile!!!!
