Hope this is more politically correct- Blond jokes

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Constant Laubscher

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Joined
Dec 3, 2008
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Location
Atlanta , Georgia, 30041
Two Blondes With Hammers...

Lynn & Judy were doing some carpenter work
On a Habitat for Humanity House.
Lynn was nailing down house siding,
Would reach into her nail ,
Pouch, pull out a nail & either toss it
Over her shoulder or nail it in.

Judy, figuring this was worth looking into, asked, '
Why are you Throwing those nails away?'
Lynn explained, 'When I pull a nail out of my pouch,
About half of Them have the head on the wrong end
& I throw them away.'
Judy got completely upset & yelled,
'You moron! Those nails aren't Defective!
They're for the other side of the house!'

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Did you hear about the two blondes
Who froze to death in a drive-in movie?

They had gone to see 'Closed for the Winter.'

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

You might have to think twice about this one.

A blonde hurried into the emergency room late one night with the tip
Of her index finger shot off. 'How did this happen?' the emergency
Room doctor asked her.

'Well, I was trying to commit suicide,' the blonde replied.

'What?' sputtered the doctor. 'You tried to commit suicide by shooting
Off your finger?'

'No, Silly' the blonde said. 'First I put the gun to my chest, &
Then I thought, 'I just paid $6, 000.00 for these implants...

I'm not shooting myself in the chest.'

'So then?' asked the doctor.

'Then I put the gun in my mouth, & I thought, 'I just paid $3,000.00
To get my teeth straightened I'm not shooting myself in the mouth.'

'So then?'

'Then I put the gun to my ear, & I thought: 'This is going to make a
Loud noise. So I put my finger in my other ear before I pulled the
Trigger.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

A blonde was driving home after a game & got caught in a really bad
Hailstorm.. Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it
To a repair shop. The shop owner saw that she was a blonde, so he
Decided to have some fun... He told her to go home and blow into the
Tail pipe really hard, & all the dents would pop out.

So, the blonde went home, got down on her hands & knees & started
Blowing into her tailpipe.. Nothing happened.. So she blew a little
Harder, & still nothing happened.

Her blonde roommate saw her & asked, 'What are you doing?' The first
Blonde told her how the repairman had instructed her to blow into the
Tail pipe in order to get all the dents to pop out.
The roommate rolled her eyes & said, 'Uh, like hello!
You need to roll up the windows first.'

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
These are just too cute not to pass on!!!!

A blonde was shopping at Target &
Came across a shiny silver Thermos.
She was quite fascinated by it, so she picked it up & took
It to the clerk to ask what it was.

The clerk said, 'Why, that's a thermos.....
It keeps hot things hot, And cold things cold.'

'Wow, said the blonde, 'that's amazing....I'm going to buy it!'
So she Bought the thermos & took it to work the next day.

Her boss saw it on her desk.
'What's that,' he asked?

'Why, that's a thermos..... It keeps hot things hot & cold things
Cold,' she replied..

Her boss inquired, 'What do you have in it?'

The blond replied......
'Two popsicles &some coffee.'

+++++++++++++

AND LAST BUT NOT LEAST

A blonde goes into work one morning crying her eyes out.

Her boss asked sympathetically, 'What's the matter?'

The blonde replies,
'Early this morning I got a phone call saying that
My mother had passed away.'

The boss, feeling sorry for her, says,
'Why don't you go home for the
Day? Take the day off to relax & rest.'

'Thanks, but I'd be better off here.
I need to keep my mind off it &
I have the best chance of doing that here.'

The boss agrees & allows the blonde to work as usual.
A couple of hours pass & the boss decides to check on the blonde.
He looks out from his office & sees the blonde crying hysterically...

'What's so bad now? Are you gonna be okay?' he asks.

'No!' exclaims the blonde.
'I just received a horrible call from my
sister. Her mother died, too!'
Blondes Are The Best!!!
 
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Her'e another for ya.

As a trucker stops for a red light, a blonde catches up. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door.


The trucker lowers the window, and she says "Hi, my name is Heather and you are losing some of your load."

The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street.

When the truck stops for another red light, the girl catches up again.
She jumps out of her car, run s up and knocks on the door.

Again, the trucker lowers the window. As if they've never spoken, the blonde says brightly, "Hi my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"

[FONT=Times New
Roman]Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street. [/FONT]

At the third red light, the same thing happens again.

All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, knocks on the truck door. The trucker rolls down the window.. Again she says "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"

When the light turns green the trucker revs up and races to the next light.

When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs back to the blonde.





He knocks on her window, and after she lowers it, he says...


"Hi, my name is Mark, it's winter in Ohio [FONT=Times New

Roman]and I'm driving the [/FONT]
SALT TRUCK!"
 
Thank God I wasn't eating my lunch and had a mouth full of Pepsi, I would be spending the rest of the day cleaning my monitor and desk. Great Jokes. I though your other thread was funny also.
 
A man and a blonde were sitting at the bar watching the news at 11:00.

They were showing a man that was going to jump off a building and commit suicide.

The man tells the blonde, bet ya $20.00 he jumps. The blonde says o.k.

The man jumps, so the blonde says here's your $20.00. The guy at the bar turns to her and says. I can't take your money, this was on the news at 6:00.

The blonde says I saw it to, but I didn't think he would jump again!!!!
 
Caught in a Snowstorm

As Lena (a blonde) was getting off work one day in the middle of winter, it was snowing heavily. Visibility was near zero. Lena finally found her car, but wondered how she was ever going to get home. She started the car to warm it up and tried to think of what to do. Then she remembered her husband, Olaf's, advice. He had told her that if she were ever caught in a snow storm, she should wait for a snow plow to come by and follow it. That way she'd never get stuck in a snow drift.


So she waited and sure enough, a little while later a snow plow went by. Smiling, she began to follow it. Feeling a little smug, she couldn't wait to tell Olaf how she had followed his advice and got home without getting stuck.


After following the snow plow for quite a while, the plow stopped and the driver got out. He walked back to Lena's car and asked if she was all right? He was concerned because she had been following him for a long time.


"Sure," said Lena and she explained how Olaf had told her that if she ever got caught in a blizzard, she should follow a snow plow.

A little confused, the driver said, "OK you can follow me if you want to. But I'm finished with the Kmart parking lot and I'm headed for Wall-Mart next.
 
A brunette goes to a doctor and says that she hurts everywhere.
"Show me" says the doc. So she puts her finger on her knee and says it hurts. She puts her finger on her stomach and says it hurts. She touches her forehead and says it hurts.
"You're really a blonde, aren't you?" says the doc.
"How did you know?"
"Your finger's broken."

Lee
 
Bikers!

A blind guy somehow ends up in a girlie biker bar full of blonde butch bikers.
Ordering a beer he says "anybody want to here a blonde joke?"
A voice said in his ear " there's 13 blonde biker girls here feller, you really want to tell that joke?"
He thought about it a minute and said " no, I don't want to repeat it 13 times!"
 
A man who'd just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit.

The female blonde mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. She points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.

The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the Blonde mortician a blank check and says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.'

The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly...

She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied.. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful.. How much did you spend?'
To her astonishment, the blonde mortician presents her with the blank check.

'There's no charge,' she says.

'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!' she says.

'Honestly, ma'am,' the blonde says, 'it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.'

'So I just switched the heads.'
 
Plan a head!
 

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heheh I like this one. Going to have to repost it on Facebook for all of us Ohioans. :)

randywa said:
Her'e another for ya.

As a trucker stops for a red light, a blonde catches up. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door.


The trucker lowers the window, and she says "Hi, my name is Heather and you are losing some of your load."

The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street.

When the truck stops for another red light, the girl catches up again.
She jumps out of her car, run s up and knocks on the door.

Again, the trucker lowers the window. As if they've never spoken, the blonde says brightly, "Hi my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"

Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street.

At the third red light, the same thing happens again.

All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, knocks on the truck door. The trucker rolls down the window.. Again she says "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"

When the light turns green the trucker revs up and races to the next light.

When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs back to the blonde.





He knocks on her window, and after she lowers it, he says...


"Hi, my name is Mark, it's winter in Ohio and I'm driving the SALT TRUCK!"
Click to expand...
 
For all of you Bird Lovers out there:

Q: What is the mating call of the North American Blonde?
A: "I am SOOOOOOOO drunk!"

Q: What is the mating call of the North American Ugly Blonde?
A: "I SAID!! I am SOOOOOOOO drunk!"

Q: What is the mating call of the North American Brunette?
A: "Have all the Blondes gone home?"

Q: What is the mating call of the North American Redhead?
A: "NEXT!"
 
An attractive blonde from Cork , Ireland arrived at the casino. She seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty-thousand Euros on a single roll of the dice.

She said, 'I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude'.
With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and with an Irish brogue yelled,

'Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!'

As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed...'YES! YES!

I WON, I WON!'

She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.

The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded.. Finally, one of them asked, 'What did she roll?'

The other answered, 'I don't know - I thought you were watching.'

MORAL OF THE STORY -

Not all Irish are drunks,

Not all blondes are dumb,

But all men...are men.
 
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