Anyone For Chili? ... really long

[randywa]

If you can read this whole story without laughing, then there's no
hope for you. I was crying by the end. This is an actual account as
relayed to paramedics at a chili cook-off in Texas. Note: Please take
time to Read this slowly. If you pay attention to the first two judges,
the reaction of The third judge is even better. For those of you who
have lived in Texas, you know how true this is. They actually have a
Chili Cook-off about the time Halloween comes around. It takes up a
major portion of a parking lot at the San Antonio City Park. Judge #3
was an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting from
Springfield, IL.
>>
>>Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili
cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I
happened to be standing there at the judge's table, asking for
directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was
assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't
be all that spicy; and, besides, they told me I could have free beer
during the tasting, so I accepted and became Judge 3."
>>
>>Here are the scorecard notes from the event:
>>
>>CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI
>>
>>Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
>>
>>Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
>>
>>Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy crap, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
>>
>>CHILI # 2 - AUSTIN'S AFTERBURNER CHILI
>>
>>Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
>>
>>Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
>>
>>Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.
>>
>>CHILI # 3 - FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI
>>
>>Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.
>>
>>Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.
>>
>>Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me
More beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting faced from
all of the beer.
>>
>>CHILI # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC
>>
>>Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
>>
>>Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish Or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
>>
>>Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beer maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. This 300 lb. woman is starting To look HOT ... just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is
chili an aphrodisiac?
>>
>>CHILI # 5 LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER
>>
>>Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, Adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
>>
>>Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must Admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
>>
>>Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted, and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her Chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by Pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really ticks me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw them.
>>
>>CHILI # 6 - VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY
>>
>>Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.
>>
>>Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, garlic. Superb
>>
>>Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I crapped on myself when I farted, and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand
behind me except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe
my butt with a snow cone.
>>
>>CHILI # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI
>>
>>Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
>>
>>Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be a bit of distress as he is cursing
uncontrollably.
>>
>>Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn t feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.
>>
>>
>>CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI
>>
>>Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
>>
>>Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor feller, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili?
>>
>>Judge # 3 - No Report

 

[Drstrangefart]

I made it to #6 before I hurt myself laughing. The last two were not up to the task of matching the last line of #6.

 

[bitshird]

I had to wipe the tears outta my eyes so I could see my keyboard, my dogs are looking at me like I lost my marbles. That was Funny!!!!

 

[Rfturner]

that was pretty funny, it reminds me of a hot sauce competition I had with some friends. The stuff was a little more than mild for the area I grew up and live in I could eat the stuff by the spoonful and they thought that it was going to burn there mouth off. They were from the middle of the country.

 

[unclefuzzy]

Unbelievably funny.I'm going to have to go lay down.I exhausted myself from the laughing.

 

[lwalden]

:biggrin::biggrin:Sally, the beer maid, is Curtis' second cousin...............:biggrin::biggrin:

 

[johnnycnc]

Great story, I got a good laugh..Thanks!!
I think I was there one time.

 

[Hubert H]

Most of the time things like this are ho-hum for me. This one I have copied and sent on. Gave me a really good laugh - thanks.

 

[jocat54]

I had to wipe the tears outta my eyes so I could see my keyboard, my dogs are looking at me like I lost my marbles. That was Funny!!!!

x2!! My wife is in bed already and I had a hard time trying to belly laugh quitely.

John

 

[Seer]

What a way to start the day visions of chili roflmao on this one and I too passed it on thanks going to be a great day.

 

[randyrls]

When I was working, the local Broad Street Market had many vendors selling prepared food in a food court like atmosphere. The one vendor sold delicious BBQ chicken and I would get a cup of hot sauce to go with the chicken. After the chicken was finished, I would salute the gods, and down the rest of the hot sauce. Someone once saw me doing this and commented that "How can you do that?". My comment that the sauce wasn't all that hot did not reassure them for some reason?

 

[TellicoTurning]

I've seen this before.. it's funny every time.

Being a Texan by birth, I understand these Chili cookoff's... it's really hard to find good chili here in TN... I keep a few various bottles of hot sauce around to kick up things if they don't have any spice in them.... LOML makes a dish she calls Kemah (no relation to the city in Houston) ... it's a Pakistani dish we learned to make from our younger daughter who was dating a young man who was manager of a Mexican restaurant... it gets pretty close to fitting the bill. Usually has a nice burn at both ends... once when you eat it, and later when you don't need it any more....

 

[leestoresund]

Good story.
While I am not a Texan I did spend some time in Thailand.
If your lips burn it does not even count as hot.
If your tongue burns , it might count, but not for much.
If your nose drools, it's getting on to hot.
All of the above and your eyebrows wrinkle you are getting close.
All of the above and your brow shrinks up and you almost drown from the sweat, it has finally gotten hot.
(I never worried about my stomach.)
As you get older things change. I now worry more about the chili coming out than the chili going in.
And I copied the story to send on. It's a good 'un.

 

[randywa]

As I got older I decided any spicy food needs an ice cream chaser for the morning after.

 

[DurocShark]

That's one of my favorite W. Bruce Cameron stories. He's the guy who did 8 Simple Rules for Dating my Teenage Daughter.

 

[dogcatcher]

I used to be part of a chili cook off team, we did the cook offs for quite a few years. Some of the cooks lacked a complete understanding of what is good chili. Usually a few of the new cookers at each cook off would usually be responsible for the worst of the worst.

Good chili needs a little heat, but it doesn't have to be "obnoxiously" hot. Knowing that it was going to turn cold this weekend, I prepared a pot of chili with a great taste. Yet mild enough that our 3 year old granddaughter asked for more.

 

[ctubbs]

Now Dogcatcher, that is my kind of chili. I do not mind some spice if it adds to the flavor, but HOT just for HOT's sake is not for me. I have friends that try to see just how hot they can stand to out do someone else. Not for me. I love good southwest and Cajun cooking. Not a habanaro fan, sorry.
Charles