That's an interesing blank. The colors seem to change from photo to photo. It must be a terrific pen to look at in person.
Now, please don't take this as criticism, as everyone has their own idea of what they want their pens to look like. From looking at both your pens, it is clear that you have an affinity for segmenting and also have the talent to make it look excellent. However, I do believe that some might find the amount of segmenting to be excessive and would detract from the overall beauty of the pen. If you are happy with the pen, then go with it.
To give you another variation, you might consider the following. First, I really like the look for your cap design. The dark acrylic piece is classy and the whole cap when taken together looks elegant, and almost like it could be a "signature" cap that you do for all your capped pens. On the body, I would remove all of the metal rings. The result would be less busy or cluttered, but still look elegant and different than most of the pens you will see posted here.
Just my 2 cents.